This is a second post in a row about a morbid topic. However, I have to write it to get it out of my system. It is about dealing with death, remotely.
Dealing with death remotely is like cracking a cruel joke that you have to repeat in your mind to believe it. You have to reiterate because there is no evidence but just some spoken words about an event you dont want to believe.
In 2021, I lost both my grandmothers. The sadder or may be fortunate part was my parents both lost their only parents in the same year thus giving each other the full amount of human empathy one can muster of such a heavy loss. I dont think anyone can be prepared for losing your creator. I am glad they had each other but also sad that I wasnt there.
For one of my grandmas passing, I had a call that I never heard in the middle of the night around 4 am. Seeing a missed call from family group gave me the chills in the morning that there was an emergency. I had missed the custom where they took my grandma away. It wasnt a moment to be recorded, so the only news I had was that she was no more. It was a shock that had me cry for a few minutes but it did not sink in. I was glad she no longer suffered. For my other grandma, it was a whatsapp message.
My dealings with passings have been very slow. When my first grandpa passed away, I had very few memories with him. As a result I couldnt cry nor did I see my father cry to feel empathy, but only observed. I observed how we let the person lie there on the floor to see so everyone can believe the event. I could smell the smoke when we burnt incense. I could see everyone wearing white. I could hear a few muffled cries. I could sense the mourning around me. All these senses let me believe that we wont have someone from tomorrow. We will miss a part of our family. It was all ingrained in me through my senses of touch, smell, hearing and sight.
When my second grandpa passed, I had a lot of memories. It was on my mothers side and the emotions were much larger. For a whole hour I stared at my grandpa in denial and tried "mind over matter" on him asking him to wake up. When it dint work, helplessly, I poured on my cousins shoulder. All the other senses got the same notice as in the last event so I could absorb the event. The denial dint pass easily, and I had dreams of him coming out of my closet and surprising everyone. It eventually went away.
For both my grandmas however, it has been difficult dealing with the news from thousands of miles away. I could only shed a few tears immediately from the whatsapp call and words I received. I dint feel the pain immediately. But instead I get these dreams with my grandma in them, only to awaken and realize their absence and mourn a little more. These dreams are the slow realization and a fragmented delayed mourning. I tell myself they can see me from above, and hopefully know I will miss them. I think I will get the full realization when I visit my home in India and see for myself their lack of presence. Till then, I have to let the dreams give me some reality bites.
